A Letter to My Not Yet Thirty Self

Dear Not Yet Thirty Self,

I know, just like a line from a country song, thirty seems so old. It sounds like a lifetime away. And being “in your thirties,” sounds much like a fate worse than death. But it will come, sweet self. Before you know it.

You will get older. Appreciate not feeling tired all the time, because in your thirties you will be exhausted. Every. Day. Appreciate not feeling sore at the beginning and the ending of each day. As you pass through your thirties you will start to wonder why you can’t have a solid day with no aching muscles, or headaches from fluorescent lights, or heartburn from foods that never used to bother you. Appreciate your body now, because it will get old. Appreciate simply feeling good.

However, you will also get wiser. You will have more common sense, although you will wonder why it isn’t more common. You will make fewer stupid decisions and more well thought out ones. You will begin to realize what matters, like the people who fiercely love you; and what doesn’t matter, like the people who intentionally and methodically try to tear you down. You will learn the difference between giving up and choosing to walk away.

You will lose your confidence. That thin thread of belief in yourself will be broken as you are hurt and betrayed. People will try to convince you that you are not smart enough, or good enough, or worth much. But you will also rise above that brokenness and begin to find a new confidence in yourself. A three year old with a tiny hand in yours on a cold December night will help you see you are beautiful. Words typed out on a keyboard and sent into the cyber-world will help you find your belief in your intelligence, your giftedness, and your worth.

You will find your faith. You, the girl who is against organized religion, will first find a family within a congregation. And then find faith so obvious in the big moments. You will find wonder in your growing belly, and find that the tiny baby whose cries are quieted by the sound of your voice is too immense of a miracle to wrap your mind around. And then you will find faith in the darkness. You will feel God in the silence created by a heart no longer beating and a lifetime of missing moments that never will be. And as you find faith in birth and death, you will begin to see it in life. In the everyday moments of blessings and lessons and trials and strength.

Yes, your twenties have been fun. They have been filled with wildness and laughter and drama and tears. They have been filled with life. Your thirties may seem quieter and calmer, but they are far from dull. They are rich with the moments that begin to piece together the puzzle of your life. Pieces that reveal why you are here, and what you are meant to do. Spaces and not-yet-found pieces that remind you to pay attention and keep looking for what fits.

Appreciate your young life, but look forward to the amazing one ahead, as well.

Love,

Me