The tears finally spilled over and down my face as I stood there looking at my husband. He looked at me and said softly, “It’s ok. You’ve had a lot going on.”
I stubbornly looked back at him and said, “It’s not ok. I’m a crappy mom. I don’t know why I can’t just get my shit together.” I sniffed as the tears started rolling down faster. The horrible feelings of missing Roo’s class Christmas tree at City Hall and finding out Monkey’s tumble class performance was sold out rushed through me. I hadn’t read the notes closely. I had missed dates and deadlines. It was my own fault.
The Coach asked softly, in amazement, ”Is that what you’re judging yourself by? You work, and write, and take care of the boys, and deal with your parents. You’re not supposed to have your shit together. Do you think you are failing because you don’t?”
A small sob escaped as I answered a simple, “Yes.” All the cracks that everything had been slipping through seemed to open wide as I stood there crying. In that moment, I seemed to fall right through them into a pit of failure.
Between the blogs and the movies and the media, we moms have been convinced we can have the Pinterest perfect home and be the room mom while balancing a job and a life of our own. We’re told 500 ways to organize and prioritize and simplify our lives. If we just do them all, we’ll have our shit together and life will be perfectly perfect.
It’s not true. I have the file folder on my counter for school papers and the clip on the fridge with papers for upcoming events arranged in order and prominently displayed. I write down our family schedule on a Pinterest inspired board every week so we can all see who has to be where and when. I go through the mail when I bring it in and throw out the junk immediately. My counters are clear.
But I still missed the important stuff. The clip on the fridge and the family schedule don’t really matter when you are too tired in the evening to look at them because you spent your day going to work, then having to rush to an ER 30 minutes away because your mom is there. Again. Talking to nurses, social workers, your mom, your dad, until you finally stumble in the door sometime after dinner was already eaten and put away. When you are too tired in the morning to see the papers because you were up every three hours giving your baby boy Tylenol and Ibuprofin and praying the fever wouldn’t go as high this time.
The Coach says it again, “It’s ok.” He beckons me over and wraps his arms around me. He covers me with the grace I so badly need, yet somehow can’t seem to give to myself. He softly tells me, “You are not failing. You are the best mom I know.” The words he’s told me a hundred times or more. The words he will keep telling me until I believe it the way he does.
I begin to wipe the tears away and I feel the cracks start to heal as I rise out of the pit. I know how this will go. I will resolve to be more organized with the notes coming home. And I will be, for awhile. Then life will happen again, and things will slip through the cracks. In this moment, I say a prayer that I can carry The Coach’s words with me into that inevitable next time. That I can find the grace to give myself.
But if I can’t seem to find that grace the next time I can’t get my shit together, I know he will, a hundred times or more.
Troy is a keeper! Great guy.
And things do fall through the cracks – just wait for the teen years! I thought only have one school age child at home would make all of this easier – and it is in a way, but still can’t be everywhere every time…..and now there is a young grand child coming along and it may not be an issue of having the time – but having the energy.
We will never have all of our crap together – we are not perfect. But God loves all the same.
All of which is to say you are a good mom. Hang in there. Keep enjoying the kids. And always remember Troy’s words.
Thank you so much, Jeffrey! He is a keeper!
And I sometimes need that reminder that God loves all the same. I really connected with a part of a devotional I was reading in the fall; it reminded us that we don’t need to clean ourselves up or become perfect before coming to God. He welcomes us as the mess we are. This is a comforting reminder for those of us feeling like a mess!
And thank you for the compliment and the encouragement – it is much appreciated!
Oh Beth,
My heart is heavy with your pain and frustration. I’ve been there, thinking I needed to prove myself by what I BELIEVED other’s thought motherhood should be. It took me a while, but I finally found something that has helped to untangle my life, somewhat. I asked myself.. “am I measuring myself with a realistic yard stick?” I wasn’t, I’m better now, but still a work in progress.
It’s hard to tune out the myriad of ideas and advice that bombard us. We can’t possibly follow ALL of the tidbits, we need to learn to decide what is important. If (fill in the blank) doesn’t get done today, what is the worst thing that could happen? Apply some honest critical thinking and you will realize that you are doing ALL of the tasks that NEED to be done and a million more!
Look at your family Beth. You have nurtured two wonderful little boys to be confident, intelligent and loveable (and so much more). Your husband adores you, not because he HAS to but because your are ADORABLE! Give YOURSELF grace. Give yourself a break. Stop listening to the beating drum of how to be a perfect mom, an over achiever, stressed out and exhausted. Listen to your soul that is speaking loudly. Stop trying to be it ALL! You are enough, just as you are. Do what you have energy for, after you have loved yourself and your family and dealt with what NEEDS to be handled…. the rest is just extra, a bonus maybe… a detriment, possibly.
Beth, are you measuring yourself with a realistic yard stick? Give yourself grace and reprioritize, not organize, your list. You are totally awesome, and you are enough. Hugs! Now go soak in a nice hot bubble bath and enjoy a glass of wine!
Oh Jeanne – I love when you comment! You always inspire me and make me feel better! Thank you, my friend!
Prioritizing is so essential, but reaches a point where it is so difficult. The first sweep or two through the schedule and activities and to-do list is easy to chop things out here and there. It is once you get past those first rounds of cuts that I have to really think and look inside my heart to make those tough decisions of what I need to say no to. Whether it is activities, or commitments, or voices, or people. I thank you for the reminder that it is ok to focus on that little circle that is my family when making these choices. And that it is ok to listen to my soul and let it guide me.
Thank you again, Jeanne. <3
Crying from reading this, because once again we are twins in our sisterhood. If it makes you feel any better, Erin came home with a brand spanking new take home/take back folder in her backpack yesterday. I thought they must have gotten new ones since it’s midway through the year. Thought that right up until I was loading up my work bag today and realized Erin’s “old” folder was in there. No idea why, but her teacher decided it must not be coming back. Same teacher sent a note home to all the kids Monday asking which kid had the PE Book Bag because she forgot to write it down and it had been missing for sometime. I’m betting you can guess the answer to which kid had it. Kyle announced to me this morning he owes lunch money, but has been forgetting to tell me for awhile. Do they not know that I am the parent that needs the note that says the balance it now overdrawn — when did they stop with that??
I would guess (hope?) that we are in the same boat as most working moms. The balls are too hard to juggle, sometimes they are gonna fall. (Although lately I feel like I am just running after them all trying to pick them up again.) The moms that are managing to juggle them all have just somehow created an illusion. And if not, and those perfect moms exist, tell me who they are. I will egg their houses.
Love you. oxox
If they have stopped sending those notes, I’m in trouble, too! The only way I know to send lunch money in is when they tell me I’m in the hole!
Not that I want other moms to struggle, but the ones who act like everything is going so perfectly well, just make the rest of us feel bad! I need to see that human fallibility to know I am normal! And if everything is so perfect, I’ll drive the getaway car while you throw the eggs.
Love you, too. So glad to have a sister and a best friend all in one.
Aww, totally feeling your moment, been there a hundred and one times. Kudos to your hubby for being so thoughtful and kind!
Thanks! He is a good one!
Thanks for stopping by and for commenting!
Greetings from the Blog Hop over on Bloggy Moms! If I had a dime for every time I or another mom I know felt this way, well… you know what would happen. I’d have a lot of dimes.
Here’s what always seems to stump me, though. If we feel like failures and we don’t “measure up” and our friends feel like failures and they don’t “measure up” and hundreds of other bloggers, writers and speakers feel like they are failures and “don’t measure up”… who exactly are we trying to measure up to?
Seems to me that we are all trying to catch and match the proverbial perfect mom that no one anywhere has ever seen! I’m guilty of it too so this is in no way a judgement. But I think that along with supportive husbands and encouraging friends, we need to take captive every thought (thanks yet again Bible) and remind ourselves that we only have to live up to our own potential and work to meet the needs of those we love and serve. We will fail. We will fail often. But then we will begin again, introduce new organizational techniques (another calendar or basket, reall?) and be successful wives and mothers and daughters and “measure up.” Until, like you said, life happens and we are human (gasp!) again.
So take comfort in this- none of us is “measuring up” so let’s just lower the bar;)
Vicky
I’m really excited to follow you!
http://www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com
http://www.facebook.com/ThePursuitOfNormal
twitter: @PursuitOfNormal
Welcome Vicky! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting!
You make such a good point – if all of us feel like we’re not measuring up then maybe we are all using the wrong yard stick! Like you said, striving to meet the needs of the ones we love and serve IS measuring up! Thanks for the reminder!
Excited to have you following!
Well I don’t know what you all are talking about, I have my shit together. sorry my unladylike laughter got away from me.
Seriously though, it is devastating when we just don’t have a good handle on things. Not to mention its hard to pull it all back together when you’re feeling a tad defeated.
Loving your blog!
Carrie from Just Mildly Medicated
Haha! Thanks for the laugh, Carrie! I know exactly what you mean though – kind of that snowball effect. Once you start to feel like things are slipping, it’s like an avalanche starts! Thanks for the compliment – so glad to have you here!